Wednesday, July 31, 2013

"From the Top to the Bottom and Then..."

I have a "bloggy" friend who has been giving me a gentle nudge to start this blog up again.  This blog had become a "maybe someday again" thing and I'd never meant for it to.  I was hoping "maybe someday" it could help someone.  And then I realized I needed it to help myself first.  And I thought that felt a bit selfish, so I couldn't find the Muse to go on.  Below is my last attempt at blogging.  It was written originally on July 5th, just a few weeks ago.  The dark undertones of how bad I'd let things get (or rather, things I'd refused to deal with and deeply repressed) is definitely present.  Just hours after I wrote this I had an incident (I'll call it a nervous breakdown) and was admitted into a mental hospital, for the first time in my life, for a four day stay.  I've been on a healing journey since then (with incredible support from friends and family), and thanks to that recent gentle prod from Dominee (we got to meet in "real life" last week!) this is another step forward on the road ahead.
========= Written July 5, 2013, approximately 12 hours before hospital admission === 
At this point I am trying to find a way to actually live this mantra in the photo clip above. I try to keep things here positive and light but today here's the thing: For the past 6 years I've had a deep on and off again depression that I am having trouble releasing. One way of dealing with this has been through blogging, but as passionate as I've been it always falls flat. I consistently blog about loving the body you are in, yet at the same time can't stop obsessing about certain parts of my body and fantasizing about (and trying to figure out a way to finance) a tummy tuck/lipo to get rid of those last 20 pounds. I talk about deep spirituality at times, but IRL give into social pressure about where I should be spiritually and the kind of mother I should be.  (There is an old German saying of Kinder, Küche, Kirche, or the 3 Ks, it translates to “children, kitchen, church”).  It way pre-dates National Socialist thinking, but if I remember right somewhere within the rise of the Nazi party it became something of a fashionable statement. My life is an effigy of constant caring for everyone except myself. When I do feel inspired to write, research, or connect with friends my children immediately suffer. When I don't take time to do these things myself I suffer in the long run. I am feeling deeply inspired and spiritual lately, and these deep needs are screaming within to NO LONGER be put on the back burner. And yet they clash with the needs of others, with the life I've created. So any thoughts, positive energy, and prayers sent this way to help me find this sorely needed balance would be an amazing boost right now. Thanks, and I ♥ you all! xxoo

I am a huge Depeche Mode fan and a song line from a VERY old song of theirs  keeps going through my head right now as I write this:

To pull it all down, and start again from the top to the bottom and then
I'll have faith or I prefer to think things couldn't turn out worse.

So here's to starting again.

Much Love to All,

Deanna L. Moore

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