Thursday, August 15, 2013
I've been working diligently lately to at least put out one post a week on this blog, which is meant to be a teensy weensy little therapeutic sanctuary of healing. I'm using it to help myself but perhaps someday it could help others too. To be honest it is proving to be a challenge to write positively when I am in fact feeling almost 100% down (especially within the past week). I am in the process of having to change depression medications as the one I was on worked very well but was causing the very annoying side effect of uncontrollable sugar/carbohydrate cravings (therefore leading to weight gain, of course). The new medicine is supposed to have the opposite effect (appetite decrease), but it is going to take about a month to kick in treat the depression. I'm not Jewish, but the only exclamation that comes to mind (that is PG rated) is OY VEH!
I recently had a quite dramatic situation with a new acquaintance friend that ended in a horrible situation of betrayal. Without going into diarrhea-of-the-mouth details this drama resulted in us losing our dearest family pet and I simply have not been able to move on from the heartbreak (with the loss of the pet, not the loss of the friend). I had let this person convince me that several things in my life weren't "together or good enough" and that she would be the better person to take care of these things (which simply wasn't true). I was suffering from a completely shot self-esteem and this person knew it and played it. I ended up not listening to my intuition and I let myself be manipulated and ended up losing the family pet because of it, and I've been having trouble forgiving myself. For days I have binge eaten again and again and all I hear in my head are the tired tunes of: "How could I have been so stupid? If only I had... If only I hadn't gotten sick opening myself up to this...If I hadn't made so many dumb mistakes in the past then I would have never ended up in a situation like this.. I can't EVER trust myself to make the right decisions..." This nauseating chorus would be enough to drive anyone to the nuthouse (or back into one, as it were).
Then today I got one of those unexpected Divine messages out of nowhere. Just before I was about to work out I was simply reading a book (and probably feeling bummed out and sorry for myself as I did) when I read a sentence that just about hit me over the head: "Failure does not define who I am." BAM! It really hit me. I was still letting this person manipulate me in a way. Yes, I had failed to trust my intuition or believe in my own abilities, and yes it cost me dearly. But it doesn't mean I'm going to fail at EVERYTHING from now on. So this is my first step forward. I'll tell it to myself in the mirror every day if I have to if it will make me believe it. Failure Will Not Define Who I Am. For I have let it do so for far too long.
Deanna L. Moore
Monday, August 5, 2013
For years (long before the severity of my clinical depression became apparent to me) I had read tons and tons of books, articles, blogs, forums, etc. on the mastery of self-healing. Since the beginning of time we humans have used the powers of faith, prayer, rituals, healing stones, plants or other natural elements... and many other things in order to heal ourselves.
Looking back now I think I believed (without realizing it) that if I couldn't "heal myself" that meant I was not "good enough/spiritual enough". I even went as far as to deprive myself of much needed mental health medication for over five years because I felt I had to be "strong enough" to deal with it on my own, to will my mind to be perfectly in balance.
I am finally accepting that taking medication prescribed by a doctor for depression/anxiety does NOT mean your aren't "spiritual enough" because you could not conquer the illness on your own.
I have learned this the hard way this year. I have also learned that denying yourself treatment in order to convince yourself that you can self-heal is not only a bit on the arrogant side, but it can be dangerous as well. Taking meds now does not necessarily mean that you will have to be on them for the rest of your life. I definitely think it is achievable to find wholeness and balance without medication. But you shouldn't shame and practically crucify yourself if you are at a place in your life where you do need medication.
As people all of our bodies/minds/souls are very different. Every person's history and current path to wellness is nonidentical, as is every person's reaction to these factors. Some are born imbalanced, and others become that way later either through abuse or other forms of negativity and illness.
If you are a spiritual person (no matter what faith or creed you are) the first place to start healing is through prayer. Spirit (God/dess, The Universe, Etc.) will likely heal you at some point and there is nothing wrong with being medicated while waiting for that change. If it becomes apparent that you are on the path of restoration then consult a medical professional to help wean you to lower doses or to eventually stop altogether. But if you don't get to that point then stay with what is working and thank Spirit that it is working, even if it DOES become a lifelong journey.
It is my prayer that not only will I remember this lesson for myself, but also that the stigma of being diagnosed or treated for anything related to mental health will lose its power.
Thinking of you with Love,
Deanna L. Moore