Thursday, August 15, 2013

Failure Will Not Define Who I Am

I've been working diligently lately to at least put out one post a week on this blog, which is meant to be a teensy weensy little therapeutic sanctuary of healing.  I'm using it to help myself but perhaps someday it could help others too.  To be honest it is proving to be a challenge to write positively when I am in fact feeling almost 100% down (especially within the past week).  I am in the process of having to change depression medications as the one I was on worked very well but was causing the very annoying side effect of uncontrollable sugar/carbohydrate cravings (therefore leading to weight gain, of course).  The new medicine is supposed to have the opposite effect (appetite decrease), but it is going to take about a month to kick in treat the depression.  I'm not Jewish, but the only exclamation that comes to mind (that is PG rated) is OY VEH!

I recently had a quite dramatic situation with a new acquaintance friend that ended in a horrible situation of betrayal.  Without going into diarrhea-of-the-mouth details this drama resulted in us losing our dearest family pet and I simply have not been able to move on from the heartbreak (with the loss of the pet, not the loss of the friend).  I had let this person convince me that several things in my life weren't "together or good enough" and that she would be the better person to take care of these things (which simply wasn't true).  I was suffering from a completely shot self-esteem and this person knew it and played it.  I ended up not listening to my intuition and I let myself be manipulated and ended up losing the family pet because of it, and I've been having trouble forgiving myself.  For days I have binge eaten again and again and all I hear in my head are the tired tunes of: "How could I have been so stupid?  If only I had...  If only I hadn't gotten sick opening myself up to this...If I hadn't made so many dumb mistakes in the past then I would have never ended up in a situation like this..  I can't EVER trust myself to make the right decisions..."  This nauseating chorus would be enough to drive anyone to the nuthouse (or back into one, as it were).

Then today I got one of those unexpected Divine messages out of nowhere.  Just before I was about to work out I was simply reading a book (and probably feeling bummed out and sorry for myself as I did) when I read a sentence that just about hit me over the head:  "Failure does not define who I am."  BAM!  It really hit me.  I was still letting this person manipulate me in a way.  Yes, I had failed to trust my intuition or believe in my own abilities, and yes it cost me dearly.  But it doesn't mean I'm going to fail at EVERYTHING from now on.  So this is my first step forward.  I'll tell it to myself in the mirror every day if I have to if it will make me believe it.  Failure Will Not Define Who I Am.  For I have let it do so for far too long.

Deanna L. Moore

1 comment:

  1. Awww, I'm so sorry you're having difficulties. :( Big hugs!